I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
