I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
now i know why i became what i already was.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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