sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize