I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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