Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
