That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
