Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
