Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
