She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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