I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
