If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
