My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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