'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
