I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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