I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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