I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
