i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
