the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
