she smelled like a LAN party
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
