Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
