so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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