Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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