found the other keg... it's in the tree
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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