You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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