Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
