And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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