Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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