There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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