Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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