I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
