and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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