apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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