My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
