i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
