This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
