I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize