everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
