I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize