I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
