DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
