I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
