super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
