Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
