You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
