I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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