i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize