Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
