Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
