What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
