just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
