I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
