you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
