i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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