mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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