Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
