I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
