Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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