She is in my trunk
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
