I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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