Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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