Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
