i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
