Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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