as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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