Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
