He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
